Friday, October 16, 2009

Letting them spread their wings -

Wow - I never knew that would be the hardest thing as a mother I would do.

My oldest daughter is 16 & she met her biological father this year. I have always said I would back her decision if that was something she ever decided to do - I just didn't know how hard that would be. I am very happy for her that it went the way it did FOR HER - for me I can't say I didn't have a selfish side of me that didn't hope he would take the same stand he took 16 years ago. This is MY baby - then I had to share. I am so proud of my daughter - she is an amazing child - from birth to this day.

Well she moved in with her father two days ago. I had to let her go. It is something she needed to do. I haven't seen a smile on her face in sooo long - she needed to go fill the rest of that hole in her heart that only he can do for her. She is very lucky to also have gained 2 brothers & from everything I can tell so far a very wonderful step- mother. I knew in a year & half her wings would spread & she would leave my nest - I can't say I was ready now though. I thought I still had that year & half to sneak in her room while she was sleeping & admire this beautiful woman she is becoming.

Spread your wings baby & continue to be wonderful - I love you my angel.

This is that beautiful smile I have missed!

Friday, October 2, 2009

I haven't been too good at this -

But I intend on writting more often. I think it will be good for me right now especially.

I have been dealing with some things with my ex. He is taking me back to court to modify child support - which I find to be a huge joke - how do you expect to pay less when you barely pay at all & have never paid what you are suppose to. And also to modify visitation - he has accused my fiance of pulling a gun on him. My fiance did have a gun on his 4 wheeler one day when my ex came to drop off the kids - but he had been fishing & we have snakes around our pond - obviously we don't want them there (because I am skeered - but also because he have children that are around the pond sometimes also). He has put in the court papers that I send him harrassing text - well I do text around the time he is suppose to pay child support & ask about it. He says something ugly & yes I respond - when he takes copies of my text to court I wonder if it will show his side? I think not - he has called me everything you can think of - white trash whore - toothless whore - the list goes on. The only difference in this now then when we were married - I don't cry about it & go woe is me - I stand up & say FU.

Anyway I spent my day yesterday being mad & negative - well I decided to sit down this morning with pen & paper & write down all the things my kids come home & tell me when they have been at his house - it really helped me. It sucks to think about the hurt they have - but it also reminded me why I am such an important part of their lives - I show them the love & support children need. So I will now stay positive - knowing that my kids know that I am here for them is more than any court or ex can do.