Wednesday, October 26, 2011

What I Truly Hate About ME

There is this thing,
about me,
that I truly hate.

I am completely insecure in love.
In general,
in the rest of my life,
I am pretty secure in what I do & who I am.
I can do anything I want to do.
But love?

I love him with everything in me.
I waited way too long to get here.
I never want to lose it.
 I know he loves me too.
I am just always afraid there is better.
I don't talk about this.
I carry it around inside,
And it eats me up.
Sometimes makes me absolutely crazy.
Other times all is good.
It must be that day for silent struggle.
It will pass.
And I will still have this.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Home Sweet Home

I am back home.
We got home on Friday.
I think today is the first day I truly feel rested & was ready to get back to it.
I had a show on Saturday so I had to get up & get going again right away.
The show went well.

So before I show you what I worked on today first I will tell you the results we got for our week in Memphis.

My daughter is a candidate for the surgery to end her seizures.
We are tentatively going back in January.
So I am sure I will be really keeping myself busy to keep my mind from stressing.
This is a good thing but stress is definitely there.

So I have already jumped right back into my work.
I seriously don't think I walked away for my desk more than long enough to shower.
I love being creative.
And I love being able to go with whatever style my mind wants to go with.
Today I had this Vintage Victorian thing sticking with me.

I really had some true intentions of doing some of these in just sterling.
Very clean.
Very much not me!

By why change what works for me.
Why move away from what I love?
This is me.

I am loving the silhouettes.

But this has to be my favorite of the day:

Remember the old victorian pictures like this?
I want one now.
I am going to have to make one for my house!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Exhaustion - then its gone.

Complete exhaustion has set in.
I was hopeful Bay would just rest well last night without events.
But that didn't happen.

We settled in.
Bay went right to sleep.
Mom & I were right to sleep.

Then I hear Mom saying, 'Bailey, Bailey'
I sit up & see Bay getting out of her bed
About to pull all of her wires out.

The next about 2 hrs were very busy.
She had 2 small seizures then one big one.
I ended up sleeping most the night in bed with her
Tight squeeze - we are big girls.

Well while typing this the doctors came in to talk to us.
My exhausted feeling is gone.
Amazing how news can change the way one feels metally & physically.

For the first time in 13 yrs I know exactly where Bay's seizures come from.
I know that her seizures, where they come from & all of it makes sense.
Not to me but to the doctor.
The person that it matters to make sense to.

He can't say firmative just yet but from what he has seen so far she very well may be a candidate for surgery.
A cure.
I have hope.
She has hope.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

No matter how many seizures my child has I never get use to them.
I know you understand that.
I see her go into that state where she doesn't know who I am or what I am saying.
She still talks - but it makes no sense.
She pushes me away.
Then she cries when it's over.
I always think she is crying because it hurts.
But she says because she is embarrassed.
I tell her to never be ashamed of who she is.
She is beautiful.
She is one of the most loving & compassionate child I know.
She has a passion for animals.
As you can probabley tell by this picture - who carries around a rooster with a blanket?

She did have a seizure today.
Which was a good thing today.
She is in a protected enviroment.
And the doctors will now be able to see the seizure itself along with the brain wave readings with it so we can get more understanding of her seizures
And a treatment plan that works for her.
So that seizure was good.
That is so hard to say.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Bailey Gets It

It isn't an easy thing to understand sometimes when a child hears their parent say they feel lucky when they are talking about a medical condition they have.
I have said for a very long time that I feel very lucky because I have 5 children & Bailey's seizures are the only medical issue I deal with.
Her seizures are VERY mild compared to what a lot of people deal with.
They are focalized seizures.
She doesn't fall down & jerk like what most people think of when they hear the word seizure.

Bailey just didn't get what I was saying.
In her mind & her world this is so devastating.
She is different than her peers.
So it is horrible to her.
I always knew she thought I was crazy.

But she gets it.

Bailey has had the opportunity to hear other children's stories with this visit to Le Bonheur Children's Hospital.
This has been so good for her.
And me.
And my mother.
We are not only understanding more about the other side of this illness,
But we are appreciating our blessings also.

We have met one couple that has a son that started having seizures before his first birthday.
He is behind on his development.
He has behaviour issues.
He is on a medication that is needed that makes him do things like chew on furniture.
He goes into status often.
When they go into status you have to give them a medication that is basically a sedative that knocks them out & take them straight to the hospital.
This little boy is so cute but deals with a very hard illness.

Then there is another little girl that has seizures that deals with them almost daily.
A simple sound that you hear everyday - a door opening - can set one off.
She is eleven years old & only weighs 50 lbs.
She is very behind on her development.
Doesn't talk much if really at all.
Her father asked Bailey how the seizures felt.
He can't even ask his eleven year old that question
And appreciated being able to ask Bailey this question.

So Bailey is getting it.
She feels lucky.
She feels blessed.
She still doesn't like it.
But she gets it.

FedEx Family House

My 15 year old daughter has seizures.
She has since she was 2 years old.
I do feel rather blessed that her seizures are as mild as they are.
Especially after talking to some of the parents here.
So blessed.

Bailey has been through testing like what we are doing now before.
She was in 1st grade so she was around 7 years old then.
It wasn't a horrible experience but definetly rough.

For her testing this time we are in Memphis, Tn.
First time I have ever been here - not much sight seeing going on.
Just out our window.
But we are having an amazing experience.

We drove in on Sunday because we were to check in on Monday morning at 5:30a.
They had told me we can put you all up in the FedEx Family House.
I had never heard of this, but appreciated the help.
And it is directly across the street from the hospital.
I didn't know what to expect at all.

But I know I didn't expect what we received.
The most kind & amazing accomadations for the night.
This place is absolutely amazing.
And it is all because of donations & people giving of their time.

It was more like a 5 star hotel.
Kitchens - yes with an 's' - for the families to use.
A wall of books.

There was even grills for families to use while they are there.
We were there one night - some families have children in the hospital for months.
And they make them as comfortable as possible in the FedEx Family House.

The kids love it!
It is so lovely there.
The art work!!!
Oh my.
I couldn't stop looking at the beatiful artwork.
Each one had a little sign beside it with the artist name & the worth of the piece.
All donated.

I want to help support this place.
Everyone that donates & gives back has a place that grabs their heart.
This is mine.
I can't stop saying it:

So I will be donating to this place when I can.
Every chance I get.
I hope to really be able to give back.
They take food donations also.
(the kitchens are stocked with food items for the families)

Seeing all the art - how peaceful it was.
The children even loved looking at it.
Lit my fire of wanting to paint again.
I have some ideas in my head -
I will be painting some pieces to donate to them.

Do you have a place like this that just holds a special place in your heart?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Sometimes I Wonder if He Knows

I have this wonderful man in my life.

I have been listening to my Sara Evans CD lately & if you listen to the song by clicking on her name above you will hear the one I have often bypassed for others often but the other day I really listened to it.
You know what I am talking about.
We all hear songs but sometimes you stop.
You listen.
You hear.
THEN you get.

That is what I did with this song.

I often mention how lucky I feel right?
I have a great relationship with a man I adore.
He supports me & my creative needs.
He even often tells me he is proud of me.
If you have ever heard those words from someone you adore you know how that feels.


So here is what I have been daydreaming about while hearing this song.

Have you ever thought about the sun & moon as lovers?

I know me either!
But think about this:

The sun chase the moon, the moon tucks away bashfully.
They never tire of this game.
Each only exsist with the other.
They need each other for balance.
Their love affair is infinity.

The Sun & the Moon