There are of course a lot of someones & somethings I could live without. But let me pick one. Negativity.
I hate negativity. I certainly have days that I am not so much feeling it. But I do NOT spread my bad attitude around. I keep it to myself. No need in bringing others down. And it will pass. Just as it always does.
So I would have to say if I could rid the world of the constant negative people - or attitudes - I would love my world I live in much more.
I am part of a group ... I know right ... someone likes ME!! Anyway - this is a jewelry group - they do blog carnivals. We pick a subject & post on it & link to everyone ... So here is my first.
My business name - where did it come from? Well many moons ago .. tee hee .. not really but several years back I was a stay at home momma & started painting. I laugh now at some of the first things I painted .. yuck! But I became very good & sold my painted items on eBay. I loved doing this. I had my own little desk & everything. I never made much money at it - enough to keep doing what I loved.
But back to why.
I had to have a name for my eBay account ... I wanted cute & catchy but I am NOT creative in that way at all. So I played with it until I just said ok ...
So I was 'Paintin' - my best southern english. 'By' - well .... 'Faith' - my middle name, what I hold onto all the time! You have to have FAITH!
So when I started making jewelry. I tried to come up with a new name. I even had one. SassaLou's Bijou - when I was lil' they called me Sassa Lou. But I have so many online friends that know me as PaintinByFaith - so I hated to change.
Now that I have kind of found my own style ... I see it as using small pieces of metal as my canvas - like I am using metal like paint. Making a piece of art. So it works!
Be sure to stop by some of my friends blogs & see how they came up with their name!
I don't know why but I have this huge need to be the one in charge. I want to be the woman not work for the man or woman.
I know we all have that desire right?
But I take this to a new level. If I am in a 'team' I find a way to totally put an 'I' in it! If it isn't being done 'right' I have to step in & open my big mouth & make it 'right'. Which by the way who decides what is exactly 'right'
Well ME of course.
I tend to get told often to 'shut the fuck up' ... ok not really in those exact words. But I think those exact words would work better. Even when in my head I am saying 'Its ok nothing more needs to be said just shut the fuck up' I still find my mouth wide open & BLAH BLAH BLAH coming out of it.
Where the hell does this come from? Being a mother of a large herd? Being told for so long that I was stupid? I am so not stupid.
So I am going to start working on knowing how to shut the fuck up. It won't work but I can sure try!
I have the most amazing man in my life. A man I could have spent a lot of years with but I didn't. I lived without him in my life for 16 years - well more when you count before I met him. But from the time we seperated until we found our way back - 16 years. We did go on with our lives. Neither happy. Always thinking of the other. I spent many times crying because I knew I let my one guy go. But I was a very lucky little girl. I have him back in my life. I don't think I could live without him again. He knows how to make me smile. He loves me even when I am at my worst. He knows how to let me know I am special.
I know I am a little behind on my days ... but I intend on finishing this.
So today I write a letter about my disappointment.
Yea you. I know what you did & you know that I know. It's something I am so not proud of. Matter of fact I am extremely disgusted. The anger is very much there. I don't know even how to handle it. Pretend not to be I guess is my current stage.
But you see it I know there are more stages. I already went through numbing it with drinking everyday. I am not an alcoholic ... but I did use the bottle to numb my thoughts for a time.
I don't even understand how anyone can do what you did.
I don't see you in the same way I have my entire life. I never will again.
So Dear YOU - I hate what you have done & I don't think I can ever forget it.
And thankfully a litttle lighter subject. Whew ... all this having to dig down deep & say things was heavy!
I get complimented on my eyes a lot. Especially right after I color my hair ... LoL! When I had my hair colored black it made ME look older but my eyes looked like they were absolutely glowing out of my head!
I see my eyes in my two oldest girls ... and I would have to agree ... they ARE a lovely color.
And to think when I was younger I wanted colored contacts .... well they were new latest greatest thing!
I still call her my friend ... but then I remember we aren't. At all. I miss her though. I loved her. Still do. I only wish the best for her. I hear she is doing better. I pray that is the truth. It would hurt my spirit to know the drugs won. When I stopped talking to her it was because I couldn't help her. I had to protect myself. My family. I feel sometimes that is selfish of me. But I couldn't risk being guilty by association. Not when I have beautiful children I could lose. I had to protect them. I would love to talk to her again. But I can't. She hates me. With every bone in her body. I have to live with that. But I will always love her.
This of course is not just a simple pick one person quick kind of answer.
I am so lucky to have good people in my life.
I have told the story about my honey ... I have to say being high school sweeties & walking away all those years ago then finding our way back to where we belong sure puts him in this category. And he is so supportive - he believes in me - he makes life worth living.
Then there is this 17 yr old girl I know ... she came into my life when I thought it wasn't a good time at first ... but when that little angel was put in my arms almost 18 yrs ago I felt like I had a true purpose in life. I knew this little angel would make my life worth living from the day I laid eyes on her.
I got lucky when the next one came into my life. He came with my high school sweetie ... my step son. We have been through some rough patches - which happens when you mix families ... but watching this boy turn into a young man has made my life worth living!
My little Todool Lous. I was so scared to have another child. I was a good mom. But shit I couldn't support anyone. But this lil' blonde haired beauty let me know when she was born that she has a purpose. Very head strong lil' thing she was. And still is .... Loving this child makes my life worth living!
You know when you are 5 months pregnant & get TBoned by a truck without your seat belt on & your baby is untouched there is a reason that child is safe. I can't tell you how many times I still think about that horrific wreck that left me unable to walk for months - hitting me directly - but didn't even stress this baby out. She is an amazing miracle & makes my life worth living.
When you & the child you are giving birth to almost die ... something happens. You become very protective of this child. You feel extremely blessed to even hold this child in your arms. And when this said child turns out to be the baby boy you have been longing for it makes him so much more special. And he loves his mother with so much of himself .... he makes my life worth living.
I have a large family - you will hear me bitch about my children.
But KNOW this ... they are what make me get up in the morning ... they are what make me smile all day ... and they make my life worth living.
But I am going to go with a lighter post today. I feel it necessary. My last post weighed heavy on my heart. I want to let that go ... but can't.
So what do I hope to do?
Well a lot of things ...
- Marry my highschool sweetheart - Become successful in my jewelry - My kids become everything they want to be - To fish more & freeze less - To become happy with my body - Meet Pink - Spend more time with my friends - My honey becomes his own boss with his own plumbing business
I don't really see myself ever forgiving to be honest. And wrong or right I really don't know if I give a shit. I am an adult now & I see the complete disgust in it.
I remember when my dad met you. I was so happy to be getting a mom in my life. And bonus I was getting a sister ... one who I happen to be friends with already.
You really were very sweet at first. I remember that. I remember wishing my dad would marry you. And he did.
Immediately you changed.
I was suddenly the demon child full of the devil. I possessed with every evil spirit your mind could come up with.
I cried myself to sleep often.
I was a child. You were an adult.
Growing up with you as my step mother I was told daily that I was going to grow up & be nothing. I was going to be so fat I couldn't fit through a barn door. I was a slut. I was soo many things in your mouth.
I hated my life.
You started threatening to send me away. I prayed you would.
I didn't want to be there anymore. Not even my dad stood up for me. I was just this evil kid that just wanted to be loved like kids are suppose to be.
You finally manage to get me sent away. After beating my ass so hard with - what was it that time - a belt lined with metal? Or was it a two by four board? I don't remember ... I just remember there were more bruise & I bled. I didn't turn you in ... my friend saw them when were in the bathroom & she told. I was so mad that she told. I was scared to death you would do it again. But you didn't. They sent me to live with people I didn't know for 30 days while they investigated. And exactly 30 days later I was sent back home.
I could barely stand the embarrassment of going back to school. There were child abuse signs every where. And it was because of me.
I can't remember how long I lived back in that home after I came back. But it wasn't long.
My dad & grandmother took me on that long drive. I remember crying most the way. But I am not sure if I was really sad though. Maybe it was just the fear of the unknown that had me crying.
I will never forget that drive down that long ass driveway with all the trees. It was like a scary movie & my dad & grandmother were fixing to drop me off & leave me there.
I watched my grandmothers gold Buick LeSabre drive away ....
I survived it all .. you didn't.
I came home. Lived my life. I am happy.
But I know what you did. You lied about an innocent child. Yes I read the letters you wrote to have me sent away - the lies. My mother & I are close now & she too has told me about lies you told her.
So see ... I know what you did. I know - and God knows that I didn't do those things. AND you, me & God also know who told those lies on an innocent child. I know I should forgive you & sometimes I think I have. But most days I know your lies still haunt me.
I have things I have to let go of ... things to forgive myself for. But one sticks out in my mind. Especially with the struggles my child is going through.
I married young & for the wrong reason. I was pregnant. Again.
I wasn't going to let this child be left without a father so I did it. I gave in & let myself down. I decided I could love this person & go on. And so I did.
From very early on I knew I wasn't happy - I had married this person that was selfish & I needed someone who was willing to be a family. I knew it wasn't going to work - again early on.
But I stayed ... I wasn't going to leave until my kids were grown. I had two more children with him & still was not happy. But I wasn't going to leave until my kids were grown. That in my mind I could do for them. I thought I was doing good for my children.
But I was doing wrong.
I was harming them.
I taught my girls that it was ok to be treated like shit by the person that was suppose to be your best friend. I taught them to settle. I taught them not to expect the best for themselves. I failed them. My son was still very young. I was on my way to teaching him it was ok to treat women like shit.
This is why I finally left. It was a build up of things but this was what gave me the strength to finally go ahead & jump of that cliff.
But to this day I still struggle with the fact that I left my kids in that hostile environment for so long. My daughter ask me why? I can't answer that. I can't talk to her about all the demons from that time in my life. She is too young. And he is her father.
I stayed for what I thought was a good reason but I was really staying for all the wrong reasons & for that I hurt my kids. My reason. And this I can't forgive. They were only children & needed me to protect them & I failed.
I sat down before work this morning to start this post. But I just wasn't quite ready. I had to really think about this for a while. I didn't have to figure out that I do love myself. Because that I know, I do. It took me a long time to get there ... thanks to what I hate about me. I didn't realize that it was ok to like/love me. I think it is just as important to like yourself. Love can exsist without like. But to truly like & love is complete for me.
I realized when I found myself again that I do like who I am. I realized not everyone is going to like me & that is ok. I don't have to be liked by the masses. I only need to be liked by those that matter in my world.
So after a lot of pondering today I realized what I do love about myself most is that I DO NOT fit into any box. I am who I am because I choose to be. Not because society says I have to be. Oh trust me it was way easier sometimes to stay inside the box & just go along not ever being noticed.
That box was safe for a long time. But when I realized I wasn't being true to myself I said fuck that box, I was escaping & I am no longer thinking or living inside that box.
I love being able to go anywhere & not give a shit if people are looking at me thinking 'what the hell is she thinking' I don't hurt anyone ... I live my life doing what makes me happy & comfortable. I am not an idiot nor am I white trash. I am me. And me is ok.
I am a creative soul that is not afraid to reach outside of the creative lines & color.
So that is what I love about me ... I don't fit into any box ... I fly out & stretch my wings.
Hate is a strong word that I try not use often. But yes there are things I hate about me. But I will only talk about one.
I do love myself. That was a very hard learned lesson - but I got there. But while loving me - myself - I find that I don't fully believe in me. I often doubt myself. I often believe I will not make it. Or I am just not good enough.
For what you ask?
Anything, everything but nothing. I know it makes no sense to the person not haunted by my same self doubt/worth. It comes from being told by a parental person for many years that I would never amount to anything. Then followed with a husband that found it necessary to beat me down with words everyday. By beating me down to an absolute nothing it made him feel better about the worthlessess he was.
I have in the past 6 years been able to build this part of me back up but I don't know if it will ever be truly fixed. It isn't something you can put a bandaid on & it goes away. It stays with you. FOREVER.
I have days I can tell you & me how great I am at things. I do everything I do with my entire heart put into it. If I love it is completely. If I create it is completely. If I hate it is completely.
But even when I love with every piece of me I wonder why it isn't enough. And when I create I always find flaws. And if I hate - you can bet there is a valid reason - but I wonder why.
My honey helps me often with this ... but I know it frustrates him when I am doubting. He doesn't understand it. As I said if you haven't been there you won't understand.
I would rather to have been physically abused than with the words of people who were suppose to love me. Love is suppose to build up not beat down.
So remember to tell the ones you love that they are special. They are important. They are necessary. You are proud. The things make people feel good.
I am most positive you could feel the pure sarcasm that came with that title.
Personally I hate winter. No need for it at all. If I never saw white snow again I would be just fine.
I dream of living a life in a warm paradise .... do they really exist? I mean really could I really go enjoy this on a daily basis.
I have my doubts that I will ever live in such a place ...
Now I do live in Oklahoma ... yep true bred Okie ... and very proud of it.
We love the lake, 4 wheelers, fishing, hunting ... but not snow. We like to live more like this ...
Now that is my kind of day!
That is snow outside my glass door that came up above my knees. WHY? Mother Nature officially hates me! I do NOT do snow ... especially buckets & buckets of fucking snow. Then of course you have the snow plows or whatever they rig to use as a snow plow & make this mess ...
Snow high than the tops of buildings.
Who the hell knocked me out & moved me & my life to the north?
Then of course your son's car disappears ... yep that is actually a car under there ...
Ok so it gave me time to work on my guns. Yep check those babies out!
Shut the hell up ... I know I have no shame!
I know hot right? Shut up. But really look there is some shape forming ..
Ok back to the weather ... who in their right mind likes this? Oh right my kid. He is cute hu?
So I did learn a few things through this torture of a week!
1- Cold sucks 2- Oh yea I knew that 3- My job really does rock ... they shut down for our safety. 4- Oklahoma becomes crippled past 5" of snow. 5- Psst ... Motherfuckingnaturetake note of #4 6- Okie's rock! When there is going to be a lockdown of such they make sure they have the essentials ... what are those you ask? Apparently since every store was out of bread, milk, eggs, meat & beer ... I would say those are the essentials! 7- I totally get shit done when I start to go stir crazy - wait until you see all the jewelry I made!!!!
So this story I am sure does not end here. We were in the 70's on Saturday Jan 29. On Tues Feb 1 we were crippled by a blizzard. On Thur Feb 3 we were able to go back to work ... well some of us. On Fri Feb 4 it snowed another 5-7 more inches shutting work back down & causing utter chaos. Today Sat Feb 5 the sun is shining & looks like it could be a decent day if it weren't for the shit mother nature took on us. Then Sun Feb 6 they are calling for more snow. Mon Feb 7 sunny. Tue Feb 8 more snow. Wed Feb 9 WAY MORE SNOW (mother nature you are really pissing me off). Then the following days we day by day build until we are going to be in the 50's on Sun Feb 13.