Saturday, June 25, 2011

These Rules Should Apply:

So since working in customer service/call center work I have decided there should be a way to ZAP people through the phone.  We should have that ability.

And there should be a list of rules you HAVE to follow when speaking to someone in customer service on the phone or we get to ZAP you.   This would be my list of rules:

1. SHUT THE HELL UP.  When you call we give you a chance to tell you what you are calling for.  We have questions - information we HAVE to collect to get YOU the assistance you need. We want to help you but you have to let us.  And when you won't shut the hell up & let us talk it gets no one no where!  Besides telling me more than once what the problem is doesn't make me understand more or make help come sooner.   I get it stupid - so shut the hell up!!

2.  When I ask questions that are required of me by MY JOB don't act like I am the biggest idiot you've ever talk to.  Yes sometimes our jobs require us to ask questions we think are stupid too ... but they record & listen to us so we HAVE to ask them to keep our 'numbers' good & keep our job.  So DO NOT treat me like an idiot!

3.  I work for 'said' company you don't.  So chance are I know more than you do about the product or service.  When I tell you that isn't available trust that I have even double checked myself before I tell you that & do not argue with me that 'you know'.   

4.  When you call us go to a quiet area.  Don't go stand next to a crowd of teenagers conducting a mosh pit & try to call me.  My patience will be gone the minute you get on the phone.  And especially DO NOT act like an ass when I tell you over & over 'I apologize I am having a really hard time hearing you' & ask you to repeat yourself for the fifth time.  Truth be known I'm not really sorry - I'm pissed - if you listen closely to my tone of voice everytime I say 'I apologize....' I am getting shorter & shorter!  You are a rude asshole for calling & trying to talk to anyone while in a loud area.  I believe New Yorkers think that their phones do not work unless they are outside next to the firetrucks blaring down the road.  But that is another story.

5. DO NOT BREATH HEAVY IN THE PHONE.  I know you have friends that say 'Dude your breathing in the phone'  They don't like it & I sure as hell don't!

6.  If you are English Impaired this one is for YOU.  Ok so fine you came to America to make a better life for yourself.  Awesome.  Legal??  Even better!  BUT (yes there is always a but) by no means am I here for you to treat like shit.   I don't come to your country speaking my redneck ass english & get pissed because you have no idea what I am saying.  My fault not yours.  So DO NOT call me in America & get pissed off that I can't understand a flipping word you are saying & start screaming at me.  First off when you start yelling you have just completely pissed me off & my willingness to help you just went out the door.  Second off do you really think yelling helps anything when I can't understand a word you are saying already?  Oh & YOU should definetly be in a quiet spot!!!  Loud background noise + English Impaired = Pissed Off Customer Service Agent!!!!

7.  Now I understand things piss people off.  Me too!!!  I have been the biggest bitch on the phone.  I have done many of these very things myself.  But keep in my mind - your problem is most very likely something I have no control over!!!  I am a peon that sits at a desk with a computer & head set.  When you call I type in said information that goes to another probabley peon.  I do what I AM ABLE TO DO for you.  If I could save the world I would definetly include you promise!  I am not the 'asshole' who ruined your life!  So be nice to me if you want me to try & get the asshole that ruined your life in touch with you or fired or whatever.  Just be f'ing nice!

8.  Don't EVER cuss me!  While I have the mouth of a sailor that is ok.  But do NOT get on MY phone & cuss at ME!  That will never get you anything.  

Now sometimes I get up on the wrong side of the bed.  Those days are when these things are the toughest.  But when I get up in a good mood & this shit ruins my day is even worse.  I am cheery when I answer your call so don't go fucking that up.  I do laugh at you when you act like a fool.  Yes I have a mute button & I also often tell you to shut the fuck up. 

Oh - and side note on rule #6 (for English impaired) - if you own a business & speak perfect English do not be the biggest dousch on earth & put your completely no English speaking employee on the phone with customer service for you while you stand right next to them.  That is just down right rude!  You know I can't understand a word coming out of their mouth so just don't!

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