Friday, January 15, 2010

Hmmm - And so it goes -

I was raised by my dad - ok actually I was raised by my dad's second wife from the age of 6 until I was just a few days shy of 15. When I was 6 my dad remarried a woman that lived in the upstairs apartment from us - she had a daughter that I had already made friends with so we thought this was going to be great!!!

The slumber party ended quickly. I was the odd child in the mix - her kids & me. I know they were never against me - but that is they way it felt a lot. I never had much of an adjustment time to get use to having to share my daddy either. My life went from all my daddy's time was MY time to sharing him with 3 other children & a woman - that in the beginning I adored because she made my daddy smile.

This woman that I started out loving quickly became a woman I didn't like at all. But because this is where my daddy wanted to be I continued to try to love her. Every day she made it harder & harder.

I was often told that I was going to grow up & amount to nothing. By her - not my dad. But my dad never stood up for me. I was also very often told that I was going to be so fat I wouldn't fit through a barn door. This does absolutely nothing for a self esteem that really doesn't exist anyway.

I really hated my life! I was told all the time how everyone that I thought loved me were only bad people - my grandmother - my mother - so on. She beat us - not like in a bloody almost killing us way. But she went as far as I think she thought she could get away with but nobody notice.

She was a very religious woman - but such a hypocrite. I never understood that. We kids all had demons. When we decided to try smoking because our friends were doing it & it seemed like the cool thing to do - we were possessed by the devil. I don't know about you - but now that I am an adult - I think REALLY??? Are you fucking crazy?? What planet are you from??

I know smoking is not good for you - but I was a KID that was LEARNING & finding my way in this world.

Anyway - a few days before my 15th birthday I was driven many miles to this girls home in the middle of cotton fields in Texas & dropped off by my dad & Nana. My grandmother was sick about it - that is why she came a long. She actually tried to get custody of me. But my dad's wife had told so many lies about me that I was in the 'system' & the attorney's basically told my grandmother it was a waste of money for her to even try.

So there I was - I knew NOONE - & it was my birthday. The rules were no outside contact for 30 days - so my 15th birthday I didn't even get a Happy Birthday from anyone I knew. Talk about sucking!

My first Christmas there I went to my mother's house. Growing up she & I weren't real close - that is another story for another day (& by the way we are VERY close now) - anyway - that first Christmas I was gone - just 4 1/2 months after I was 'shipped' off my dad's wife left him.

Gone -

She told people in the small town we lived in that he was gay. Well he must have been - he crossed his legs!!! Holy shit woman - half of the men in this world that think they are straight just got a kick in the nuts with that one!

My poor dad - left alone. That is how I felt then. Today I think if he had had a pair he would have kicked her to the curb way before we got to this point. I still think he could handle growing a pair .. but not my problem so whatever.

And me still living in the middle of cotton fields.

But you know what??? That was the best damn thing to happen to me. I grew a pair. I learned how to love people. I learned how to be loved. I made sooo many lifelong friends.

AND the biggest bonus - I met the man of my dreams while living there.

Why am I thinking about this now? This woman tried to friend me on Facebook. I sat on it for a few days then it was gone. She got it. But I still had things to say. Things that I needed to let her know.

I am not worthless. Oh & not so fat I can't fit through a barn door. MY LIFE ROCKS.

So I did just that. I told her she should be ashamed of herself for lying about a child. I was very tactful about it - which took a little for me. And I simply ended it by telling her I forgave her - not for her - but for me.

My response from her was: Thank you for your candidness. I will not be writting again.

I am really ok with things in my childhood. See I made the decision to let it make me stronger instead of letting it break me!

Please remember: Your children are to love & guide through life - NOT to humiliate & torment with your words!

1 comment:

  1. Oh Sister! I'm so glad you are the strong, beautiful (and skinny) woman that you are now. I'm so proud of who you are and so grateful that you are my sister. I love you dearly!