Sunday, February 6, 2011

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.

No better time than now to start. 

Hate is a strong word that I try not use often.  But yes there are things I hate about me.  But I will only talk about one.  

I do love myself.  That was a very hard learned lesson - but I got there.  But while loving me - myself - I find that I don't fully believe in me.  I often doubt myself.  I often believe I will not make it.  Or I am just not good enough. 

For what you ask? 

Anything, everything but nothing.  I know it makes no sense to the person not haunted by my same self doubt/worth.  It comes from being told by a parental person for many years that I would never amount to anything.  Then followed with a husband that found it necessary to beat me down with words everyday.  By beating me down to an absolute nothing it made him feel better about the worthlessess he was.

I have in the past 6 years been able to build this part of me back up but I don't know if it will ever be truly fixed.  It isn't something you can put a bandaid on & it goes away.  It stays with you.  FOREVER.

I have days I can tell you & me how great I am at things.  I do everything I do with my entire heart put into it.  If I love it is completely.  If I create it is completely.  If I hate it is completely. 

But even when I love with every piece of me I wonder why it isn't enough.  And when I create I always find flaws.  And if I hate - you can bet there is a valid reason - but I wonder why.

My honey helps me often with this ... but I know it frustrates him when I am doubting.  He doesn't understand it.  As I said if you haven't been there you won't understand.  

I would rather to have been physically abused than with the words of people who were suppose to love me.  Love is suppose to build up not beat down.

So remember to tell the ones you love that they are special.  They are important.  They are necessary.  You are proud.  The things make people feel good.  

Isn't that what you do for people you love?  

Make them feel good.

1 comment:

  1. AWW! I love you and think you are an amazing human being. I'm so proud to call you my sister!