Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have things I have to let go of ... things to forgive myself for.  But one sticks out in my mind.  Especially with the struggles my child is going through. 

I married young & for the wrong reason.  I was pregnant.  Again. 

I wasn't going to let this child be left without a father so I did it.  I gave in & let myself down.  I decided I could love this person & go on.  And so I did. 

From very early on I knew I wasn't happy - I had married this person that was selfish & I needed someone who was willing to be a family.  I knew it wasn't going to work - again early on. 

But I stayed ... I wasn't going to leave until my kids were grown.  I had two more children with him & still was not happy.  But I wasn't going to leave until my kids were grown.  That in my mind I could do for them.  I thought I was doing good for my children. 

But I was doing wrong.

I was harming them. 

I taught my girls that it was ok to be treated like shit by the person that was suppose to be your best friend.  I taught them to settle.  I taught them not to expect the best for themselves.  I failed them.  My son was still very young.  I was on my way to teaching him it was ok to treat women like shit.

This is why I finally  left.  It was a build up of things but this was what gave me the strength to finally go ahead & jump of that cliff.

But to this day I still struggle with the fact that I left my kids in that hostile environment for so long.  My daughter ask me why?  I can't answer that.  I can't talk to her about all the demons from that time in my life.  She is too young.  And he is her father. 

I stayed for what I thought was a good reason but I was really staying for all the wrong reasons & for that I hurt my kids.  My reason.   And this I can't forgive.  They were only children & needed me to protect them & I failed.

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