I have things I have to let go of ... things to forgive myself for. But one sticks out in my mind. Especially with the struggles my child is going through.
I married young & for the wrong reason. I was pregnant. Again.
I wasn't going to let this child be left without a father so I did it. I gave in & let myself down. I decided I could love this person & go on. And so I did.
From very early on I knew I wasn't happy - I had married this person that was selfish & I needed someone who was willing to be a family. I knew it wasn't going to work - again early on.
But I stayed ... I wasn't going to leave until my kids were grown. I had two more children with him & still was not happy. But I wasn't going to leave until my kids were grown. That in my mind I could do for them. I thought I was doing good for my children.
But I was doing wrong.
I was harming them.
I taught my girls that it was ok to be treated like shit by the person that was suppose to be your best friend. I taught them to settle. I taught them not to expect the best for themselves. I failed them. My son was still very young. I was on my way to teaching him it was ok to treat women like shit.
This is why I finally left. It was a build up of things but this was what gave me the strength to finally go ahead & jump of that cliff.
But to this day I still struggle with the fact that I left my kids in that hostile environment for so long. My daughter ask me why? I can't answer that. I can't talk to her about all the demons from that time in my life. She is too young. And he is her father.
I stayed for what I thought was a good reason but I was really staying for all the wrong reasons & for that I hurt my kids. My reason. And this I can't forgive. They were only children & needed me to protect them & I failed.