Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.

I don't really see myself ever forgiving to be honest.
And wrong or right I really don't know if I give a shit.
I am an adult now & I see the complete disgust in it.

I remember when my dad met you.  I was so happy to be getting a mom in my life.
And bonus I was getting a sister ... one who I happen to be friends with already.

You really were very sweet at first.  I remember that.  I remember wishing my dad would marry you.  And he did.

Immediately you changed. 

I was suddenly the demon child full of the devil.  I possessed with every evil spirit your mind could come up with. 

I cried myself to sleep often.

I was a child.  You were an adult.

Growing up with you as my step mother I was told daily that I was going to grow up & be nothing.
I was going to be so fat I couldn't fit through a barn door.
I was a slut.
I was soo many things in your mouth.

I hated my life.

You started threatening to send me away.
I prayed you would.

I didn't want to be there anymore.  Not even my dad stood up for me.  I was just this evil kid that just wanted to be loved like kids are suppose to be. 

You finally manage to get me sent away.  After beating my ass so hard with - what was it that time - a belt lined with metal?  Or was it a two by four board?  I don't remember ... I just remember there were more bruise & I bled.  I didn't turn you in ... my friend saw them when were in the bathroom & she told.  I was so mad that she told.  I was scared to death you would do it again.  But you didn't.  They sent me to live with people I didn't know for 30 days while they investigated.  And exactly 30 days later I was sent back home.

I could barely stand the embarrassment of going back to school.  There were child abuse signs every where.  And it was because of me.

I can't remember how long I lived back in that home after I came back.  But it wasn't long. 

My dad & grandmother took me on that long drive.  I remember crying most the way.  But I am not sure if I was really sad though.  Maybe it was just the fear of the unknown that had me crying. 

I will never forget that drive down that long ass driveway with all the trees.  It was like a scary movie & my dad & grandmother were fixing to drop me off & leave me there.

I watched my grandmothers gold Buick LeSabre drive away ....

Fast forward. 

I survived it all .. you didn't.

I came home.  Lived my life.  I am happy. 

But I know what you did.  You lied about an innocent child.  Yes I read the letters you wrote to have me sent away - the lies.  My mother & I are close now & she too has told me about lies you told her. 

So see ... I know what you did.  I know - and God knows that I didn't do those things.  AND you, me & God also know who told those lies on an innocent child.   I know I should forgive you & sometimes I think I have.  But most days I know your lies still haunt me. 

But I am fucking perfect. 

1 comment:

  1. I hated that fucking driveway, and every one of those trees.

    It seemed like an eternity.

    I love you.